Written by Ellie Skye.
This article was written on the stolen lands of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation. I pay my respects to their elders past, present and emerging and recognise that sovereignty was never ceded.
The other day I evaluated my life. Lately I’ve been seeing my family frequently, hanging out with my friends sober, laughing at my friends jokes and the jokes in my head and spending a lot of time alone. I never used to like seeing my family, laughing was performative, my mind was anything but entertaining and I religiously avoided being alone. I hated my thoughts, I hated myself and I felt completely disconnected from my body. Picture me riding my scooter hungover (or still drunk) into the unemployment office wearing a dirty tracksuit and vomiting in a bush. It was dark.
This got me thinking, what changed? What carried me from drinking everyday, staring at the wall and eating a lot of mash potatoes, to feeling peaceful and happy for the first time since I was a kid? It was overcoming the shame and stigma of my colourful, obscure sexuality and finally allowing myself to gain weight for pleasure.
When I first realised I was something other than the ‘default’ straight girl, YouTube videos had me believing I was bi because I couldn’t fathom the idea of being just straight or gay. This confusion would lead me through several labels somewhere in between straight and gay.
What I’ve come to learn now however, is that sexuality isn’t a spectrum, it’s a universe. The labels are like the planets and stars and you could encompass any of them at once. I encompass a lot of stars and planets. If there was a competition for the longest list of sexual labels, I think I could win.
I am an autoerotic, asexual, homoromatic, bbw gainer, porn content creater who probably has vaginismus. And if I ever found a suitable partner, I might even add polyamourous to that list. Discovering, admitting and accepting that mouthful of labels has been the greatest challenge of my life, and is an ongoing process. But though there are difficulties that come with accepting my gayness and asexuality, accepting that I wanted to gain weight for my own sexual pleasure was the highest hurdle to jump. A few years ago, I consciously opened the floodgates of my sexual repression and soon realised all kinds of things about myself.
Although there were difficulties that came with accepting my gayness and asexuality, accepting that I wanted to gain weight for my own sexual pleasure was the highest hurdle to jump.
In a world where there are very few positive representations of fat people (and even fewer of fat people who got fat in order to have good wanks and find true joy), I was terrified by the idea of changing my body. I knew that I had wanted to gain weight since I was a little kid, I used to stuff my shirt with a pillow, and that the desire would never go away. So I turned to the internet and reconditioned away fatphobia by following confident fat babes on social media and learning all about fat liberation and activism. Highly recommend this by the way!
I also found an online community of like minded fat fetishists, that I soon discovered to be just another space full of gross men ready to push me further into lesbianism. Though after a few months in these online spaces I found that a decent bulk of the community included queers and sex workers. I learnt to reply to the shitty dudes with invoices and soon enough I was creating content so that people could support and follow my weight gain journey whilst lining my pockets a little. Creating content helped me feel confident and affirmed in my ever changing body. It introduced me to the feminist concept of making men pay, and feminists working online and supporting each other.
Though it’s been difficult to come to terms with, having a rampant horniness for getting fat has led me to learn how to sew, make a bit of money binge eating on camera and decide to ditch my high school dropout, anti institutional mindset to go to university to learn more about fat studies.
Suddenly there was a sea of stretch marks and outgrown clothes. My stunning wardrobe of op shop treasures shrunk and I had to learn to deal with the shameful lack of affordable plus size options whilst also dealing with the discrimination that comes with growing out of thin privilege. I recently went for a walk with my mum and after a big hill said “I’m so thirsty” to which she replied, “Oh, that’s a symptom of diabetes”. Needless to say the comments are an ongoing ordeal. It helps that I have had a few really supportive friends who have let me endlessly rant to them about the fat shaming agenda of tv show, ‘Friends’ and how it took me 40 hours of grueling online shopping to find a bra I could afford to support my giant fat girl titties.
Though it’s been difficult to come to terms with, having a rampant horniness for getting fat has led me to learn how to sew, make a bit of money binge eating on camera and decide to ditch my high school dropout, anti institutional mindset to go to university to learn more about fat studies. It has also given me the much needed ability to be mentally well, form healthy relationships with friends and family and effortlessly stay sober. I was even able to overcome the trauma of having been sexually assaulted by owning my pleasure and understanding that I didn’t owe anyone a single part of it. All things I never thought I would be able to achieve.
Now I want everyone who uses a long list of obscure and sometimes contradictory sexual labels to know that they are not alone. It’s hard to grasp how important experiencing sexual pleasure is to every other (seemingly unrelated) aspect of your life and yourself. Each barrier you overcome, be it growing up with parents who refuse to give you ‘the talk’ or learning to be assertive of your needs when you give consent, you will feel a huge load lifted by going on that journey.