By Amber Hodge.
With the digital age we live in, long distance sex has never been easier. Simply grab your phone: log in to Instagram and take photos, slide into your babe’s DMs, send them a private Snapchat video or get on and get off via Facetime. It’s easy to forget that before all of this digital-age sexting, people often had one mainstay option for long distance fucking: good old-fashioned phone sex. Often on landlines, they relied on nothing but their imaginations and mouths to do all the dirty work. Despite the popularity of camera phones and Skype, phone sex is still a valid and useful way to connect with your partner, whether they are just a few miles away at work or thousands of miles away in another state or country.
Though phone loving might seem irrelevant due to all of the technological advancements we have now, it’s great for a myriad of different reasons, whether your significant other is far away or you want to have a phone hookup with a Tinder date. Phone sex is also a great way for disabled people or folks who are homebound to connect with a partner in a non-ableist way. In fact, if you do a quick Google search you will see that phone sex hotlines are still as popular as ever, which is saying something in the age of webcam sex services. There is just something about that voice-to-voice communication that offers an eroticism that a webcam or photos can’t offer; it engages your deepest fantasies and allows you to connect in a way you might not be able to in person.
Phone sex engages your deepest fantasies and allows you to connect in a way you might not be able to in person.
I started having phone sex not long after I turned 18, which was in the early 2000s, and I’ve been going strong with it ever since. It has staying power because human connection and sexuality do not necessarily require physical contact. You can cum with someone else without even needing to touch their body, and that in itself is a whole other level of hotness. Phone sex might not be for everyone, but if it’s for you, you’re curious about trying it, or you’re looking for ways to make your phone sex experience hotter, I’ve come up with a few tried and tested suggestions to help you make the most out of your phone sex experience.
1. Talk about consent.
Just like in face-to-face sex, you should discuss consent. Make it sexy if you want. Tell your partner things you’re not comfortable talking about, and find out things they aren’t interested in discussing. Share any triggers or turn-offs beforehand. In the heat of the moment, you might say something you wouldn’t normally do in person, and that’s okay! Just make sure that you’re open with your partner and you have a good dialogue about the openness of consent. You can also revoke consent at any time during phone sex, just as if you were engaging in sex with that partner in person. If something ends up feeling wrong, or you don’t like the direction the sexual conversation is going in, remind your partner about your limits and take the conversation in another direction that you feel better about. If you are completely turned off and don’t want to finish the phone sex session? That’s okay too. Just be honest about it. No need to “fake” an orgasm. Simply be honest and use words like “This isn’t really working for me right now” or “We can try this again later when I am feeling more into it.” Don’t compromise your comfort for another person.
Just like in face-to-face sex, you should have a talk about consent.
2. Know your pronouns.
If you’re having phone sex with someone who is not cisgender, find out their pronouns right away. This is also a good time to ask how they feel comfortable referring to their genitals. Trans and non-binary people all have different opinions and likes and dislikes about it, so ask them! There’s no need to risk ruining a good phone sex session by using the wrong pronoun or term in the heat of the moment. It can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing and quickly spoil the mood for both of you.
3. Pleasure yourself.
Phone sex is a collaborative effort. It isn’t only about getting your partner off; it’s about enjoying your own body as well. Don’t fake it. Use your hands, hump a pillow, do whatever you normally like to do to get yourself off. Wear sexy lingerie, wear nothing at all, wear sweats if you want. Just be comfortable and feel sexy in whatever you’re wearing. Own it! Make sure you’re not wearing anything restricting that will make it difficult to stimulate yourself. Take off your bra, or undress down to your panties. The freedom of being able to run your hands over your body, while your partner whispers about doing the same through the phone, will allow you to connect better with them, but also allow you to get into the mode of pleasuring yourself. They want to hear it. Go ahead. Play with your pussy, and tell them about it. Grab your ass, tease your nipples. Don’t just talk about sex, engage in it, verbally and mentally with your partner, and physically with yourself. Make yourself cum.
4. Get comfortable getting dirty.
I’ve had friends tell me that they sometimes don’t feel comfortable saying certain sexual words or verbalizing their sexuality. It’s easier to fuck someone in person, because you can read each other’s body language and can go with the fluid motion of two bodies tangling together in the moment. With phone sex, you can’t rely on eye contact or kisses. You need to be able to say exactly what you want to do or have done to you. Women sometimes have a harder time saying what they want, stemming from internalized misogyny and the systemic patriarchal judging of women. The age-old Madonna/Whore complex comes to mind, and it can leave some women feeling uncomfortable saying what they feel. If you’re not comfortable with talking dirty, then now is the time to get comfortable!
With phone sex, you can’t rely on eye contact or kisses. You need to be able to say exactly what you want to do or have done to you.
5. Utilize sex toys.
There’s nothing wrong with getting off using your hands, but sometimes mixing it up with a sex toy can add so much excitement for both partners. Your partner can hear the buzz of your vibrator, or the firm smack of your leather paddle against your ass. Also, having a bottle of your favorite lube on hand is really helpful and can make masturbation go much smoother and hotter. Grab your favorite sex toy and use it on your clit while you talk to your partner. Tell them what you’re doing with that dildo. Let them hear how much that magic wand makes you squeal, let them listen to how worked up you get when you’re about to cum as you slide a dildo inside you, tell them you’re popping the buttplug out of your ass. It can be a huge turn-on for both you and your phone sex companion. Put on a show: you are the main feature!
6. Fantasize.
It’s okay to talk about things you’ve never really done, or even things you maybe would never do. Indulge in your fantasies! Like the idea of group sex, or have a fantasy about being blindfolded and getting fucked by a stranger? Curious about BDSM, but wouldn’t really be interested in incorporating it into your IRL sexual routine? That’s okay. Talk about it anyway! Get out of your comfort zone. You might discover new things that turn you on, new fantasies and desires that you haven’t thought much about before. If you partner wants to talk about a threesome, and you feel comfortable with it, go for it. Go crazy. If you want to lick the woman’s pussy in the fantasy of you and your man’s threesome, do it. Lick it good, tell him how much you’re loving it. It doesn’t mean you have to go out and do those things in reality (unless you want to). Take yourself places you haven’t gone before, share your desires and allow yourself to verbalize them. As long as it’s a consenting behavior between adults, go for it. If you can dream it, you can have it. Get as dirty, as submissive, or as outlandish as you like.
Get out of your comfort zone — you might discover new things that turn you on!
7. Focus.
Don’t get so lost in wanting to make your partner cum that you neglect yourself. Phone sex isn’t just about getting your partner off. Sure, it feels awesome to know your partner is getting pleasure and that you’re the one giving it to them, but don’t let it distract you from getting your own pleasure. We sometimes focus too much on our partners. You deserve to feel good, too, and don’t forget that! Make sure if you start getting too into the verbalization of telling your partner sexy stories, you take a moment and find out what they would do to you if they were there right now. Let them take the reins for awhile, so you can focus on your own sensations. Make sure they are an equal participant and you’re not doing all the work. If they just want to cum without making sure you’re getting something out of it too, tell them to call a phone sex hotline, because you’re not about that life. You deserve attention and orgasms too.
8. Have fun!
Or else why are you doing it? Do it because you want to, because you enjoy it, or want to try and enjoy it for the first time. This is not a test, no pass or fail. It’s sex. While it’s not physical, it still should be treated as any sexual activity should be, and that includes having a good time doing it. If you’re not having a good time, stop for a moment and ask yourself why. Regroup for a few moments. If it’s still not working, and you’re unable to get anything out of the interaction, it’s best to end the sex talk, and switch to whatever regular conversation does allow you to have fun, or simply to get off the phone and try again when you you are able to enjoy the moment. Phone sex shouldn’t ever be one-sided, especially when it comes to enjoying the experience.
Amber is a former professional sex toy reviewer who runs the lingerie fashion blog Scarlets Letter. She’s a regular staff writer for the trade publication The Lingerie Journal, and former writer for LiveFAST Magazine. She is a sex-positive feminist with a MENSA mind and a filthy mouth. She is currently working on writing her first novel.