Transwomen are often regarded as tenacious temptresses who are confident and cunning. What most people don’t know is that being trans comes with its own set of insecurities — and a healthy helping of anxiety.
Some of it is based on blending in, but in my experience, more of it is rooted in the prospect of finding a mate — or at the very least, a date — and the physical logistics that entails. That’s right: transwomen aren’t all the sex crazed, man hungry nymphos we are perceived to be! Specifically, when it comes to physically penetrating our male counterparts, many of us have a fear of fucking.
Specifically, when it comes to physically penetrating our male counterparts, many of us have a fear of fucking.
Lots of transwomen feel like an average “hetero” woman. This means they see themselves as a female who is attracted to males. They don’t want just any male, but a “man’s man.” In some cases, they seek an Alpha Male who is dominant and makes them feel more feminine. This usually is referred to in the LGBT Community as a “Top,” “Total Top,” or even “Power Top.” These labels derive from gay men’s need to verbally identify the role they prefer to play during intercourse. Many transwomen prefer to assume the role of the woman and be the “bottom,” i.e. the receiver of penile penetration. Like most sexual relationships, these roles can take on a plethora of variations and positions. Still, in keeping with the deep connection to feeling like a “normal” heterosexual woman, the majority of transgirls want to be fucked by their man and not the other way around.
Another factor of our fear? Some pre-op transwomen feel uncomfortable with the possession of their own genitalia, and prefer to exclude and ignore it during sex altogether. Visualize having a mole or a third nipple and being ashamed, self conscious and embarrassed of it. Think about having saved up and waited to have surgery to remove it; all the while covering it with strategically placed clothing. Imagine abstaining from sex to avoid it being seen. Then, picture meeting the perfect guy who meets all checks across the board. The caveat is, he wants to include said mole or extra nipple into intercourse. He’s only interested in the relationship because of his attraction to this prime source of shame and discomfort, and removing it is a deal breaker. This is a small view of what it is like to be fetishized as a transwoman and why some of us choose celibacy over awkward intimate encounters.
For the t-girls that do choose to date, they soon find that there are slim pickings. This scarcity is caused by so many stereotypes that surround sex with a transwoman. One of them is the stigma that only men who enjoy receiving anal sex pursue trans-girls. This stigma induces the false assumption that entering a relationship with a t-girl comes with the expectation of receiving anal penetration—WHEN IT DOESN’T. They also sustain the fear that being known as a man that dates trans means automatically taking it up the butt—WHEN IT DOESN’T. Men who are brave enough to explore their sexual acumen will discover that there are various ways to have sex with a t-girl as with any other cis-girl. It is this exploration in cis-couples’ bedrooms that is lending some leeway to the acceptance of men who love trans movement.
The progression of sexual awareness and openness is quietly ushering in a sense of normalcy and removing the phobia attached to engaging in anal penetration.
Though the misconception of sex with transwomen is widely circulated, the desensitization to it is being catalyzed by heterosexual cisgendered couples, surprisingly. The emergence and rising popularity of pegging is introducing the normality of sphincter stimulation to heterosexual men and their relationships.
Some t-girls are totally comfortable with invading their man and lean towards evolving as “Non-Op” Transexuals. It is exactly what it sounds like: taking all feminization measures up to the point of genital reassignment surgery. They feel that one never knows if the man they fall for will prefer a good pegging and are OK with keeping the tool they’ll use to do so. The only way to really eradicate these fears from all sides is to communicate them and our desires to those that mean the most to us. Secrecy has the capacity to cause so much pain. If allowed, it will rob us of our simple pleasures as well.
Gxiana McQueen is a transgender U.S. Army Veteran turned actress and model. She is currently an advocate of equal rights for transgender individuals and is a Certified Peer Support Specialist for Battle Buddy Bridge in New York.